... you aren't pregnant, are you? I mean, I've assumed that Jolyne is cis, but I've been wrong before and then again, there's always artificial insemination.
And I'm glad too. Honestly, he reminds me of my grandfather a little. Same high standards and impeccable sense of drama—only Emet (I say with all fondness and respect) is a big old queen, the kind that Abuelito never could respect.
Sorry. I just thought. Well. That you were saying it wasn't the right time for the happy announcement because I'd told you Jack did something to *his* kid. And that *is* one of the traditional 'happy announcements.'
You were a better judge than me—but honestly, his persona did trigger my PTSD something awful back during those days. I had a lot of trouble thinking straight because of it.
Aww don't worry about that! Personally I'd say that getting out of a position where you're in any danger takes a hell of a lot more priority after all...
I mean, I'm not in immediate danger. I am worried about what kind of retribution he'll try *after* I break up with him, but at this moment, he doesn't know I know what he did. If I have my way, he'll never know I know. One of the reasons I'm lying low for a week is to figure out a plausible reason to make my exit that doesn't end up with me at the pokecenter.
(And also, because if worst comes to worst, I can claim 'going home' changed me enough that we need to break up. Hopefully it *won't* come to that, but. It might.)
He's not. I don't think there's any circumstances in which he won't be a sulky, snide bitch about everything at the very least.
But I'm fairly certain that if I officially break up with him because he treated his daughter unconscionably, even though that *is* a significant reason for why I'm breaking up with him, he'd react even worse, because I went behind his back to find that out, when I *knew* he wanted to keep the parts of his past involving his spouses and kid to *himself*.
And then, you know, he probably will want to know who told me. And he might even find the post from the boobies incident, which I have done my best to make sure he never sees.
So in order to protect my source, I need to figure out another reason to break up with him. Which can't be I want to see other people, because then he'll concentrate all his vindictive spite on whatever age appropriate male friend he'll assume I've been fucking behind his back.
That's why I need the week of brainstorming better reasons, to be honest. And why I might have to pay the 'oh no I went home' card if nothing else seems like it will work. That seems like the most likely way for him to be merely a giant bitch about things and not especially vindictive.
I mean at least he probably can't throw you under a bus work-wise...plus, I suppose it's actually pretty hard to do anything lasting in this place! My brain went right to a violent end, but you can't even raise a butterknife against someone here!
Yeesh...self-awareness without changing though...yikes.
It's difficult, but not impossible to hurt people in the long term, although you're right that there doesn't seem to be any way to make those injuries permanent. Back when Emet-Selch and I were feuding, there was an... incident in a stairwell, when he was blocking me from going down it, that ended in me shoving him and gravity taking its toll. He got healed of the worst of it at the pokecenter, but he still had to use crutches for some time. Ironically, if he'd broken his neck, that would have triggered our inability to die, poofed him to the pokecenter and healed him completely up--as well as left him completely sober if he'd been previously high or drunk.
(Which I *know*, because I've known someone it *happened to*... and yes, their utterly trashed state had a lot to do with the dumb idea that landed them in the pokecenter, immediately sobered up and very unhappy about it.)
It's also possible to beat someone 'to death' here--or to strangle them for that matter. Jack's told me the first happened to him once--well, that the beating triggered his trip to the pokecenter and the halving of his account, at any rate, which I assume *means* that they'd have beaten him to death if we *could* die.
And given that one of my greatest fears *is* being beaten to death...
(Which isn't to say that I think Jack would *necessarily* attempt murder against me if I broke up with him in the wrong way and left him especially vindictive. More likely he'd break some of my things. But *luckily* I've got everything that's completely irreplaceable smuggled over to my private room at the work lodgings via my briefcase over this last week and all my files from the recording room backed up. And all my pokemon are tucked up in the PC, safe and sound. Well, the framed newspaper article about Connie rescuing Fuzzles isn't moved over, because he'd notice if it was gone, but it's not the first thing of mine he'd destroy in a fit of pique anyway. My records, maybe, or my sound equipment.)
But yeah, at least the most long-lasting harm he *could* do *wouldn't* to my person at all, but to my things. At least we have the llama space god to thank for that.
Hihhh. I'd say I didn't need to know that but...no, no, it's probably good that I can keep this in mind for any worst-case scenarios...
I'd definitely hope he doesn't go that far though!! YEESH! Good job keeping everything is carefully stashed away though, hate for it to end up...glitter bombed or something on top of being smashed...
He did that once by the way. Not to me I mean but, you know. Nothing lasts longer than glitter!
I suppose part of what has me stressed out is that I *am* honestly attracted to one of my friends outside the company, it seems to be mutual, and what if Jack blames him? (Except I'm not sure if Jack knows he exists because I never did get around to introducing them before things got complicated. I guess I thought they'd eventually meet at my wedding.)
... I mean, it's not as bad as the very *worst* thing you could guess. As far as terrible fairy tale parents go, he's Mother Gothel from Rapunzel, not the king from Donkeyskin. Or-- fuck, my mind's blanking on anyone who got their kid hooked on drugs where withdrawal would kill them.
So I guess you *do* know the barest bones of it now, even if I'd still rather not give you the full gory details.
I just, fuck, I really don't know, Carly. I *knew* he wasn't a good or moral man, ever since Pewter. I did think of him as a *great* man, in the sense of Great Mean in (Future) History, but that's *different*. I just-- I don't know why it shocks and hurts me so much when I *knew* he was no more of a good person than I am.
I guess I'm so used to thinking badly of myself that unless that person stomps over my PTSD like Emet did when he first came here, I have trouble believing that someone else could be *worse*.
I was nodding along until you got to the last bit he W H A T???
Geeze my list might have more people on it but at least it wasn't anything as personal as that...
I mean, at least you can know that you're...a bit better than that? A lot better maybe?? Whatever things you might have done, I get a feeling it's not 'deliberately hooking your relatives on drugs'-level! So it's okay to be a bit shocked I think. I mean, I'm shocked!! And I was the first rocket here alone with the guy! I had a lot of time to get a read suffice to say.
...I feel like I missed something again on that bottom note, but we won't go there for now, I'm assuming it's over by this point.
Evidently, back in their world, Jack's daughter has special powers that can be enhanced by something called 'eridium' which is either a performance-enhancing drug or a rare element. I'm not sure which. During her last few years of life, Jack kept giving it to her, until she was dependent on it to live. About the *best* interpretation there is that he wanted to bring out her full potential--*but you don't do that by hooking her on space steroids.*
That's the horrible part, Carly. I know him enough that I can probably guess the bullshit excuses he gave himself to justify it.
And no, the worst thing I ever did... wasn't that. I mean, it *was* harming the people who were in my care and were my responsibility and doing it in a way that benefited myself... but it wasn't *my idea* to do it--I was under orders from our Keeper, ones that I couldn't disobey--and there weren't long term health consequences for them! I mean, it was still an awful, heinous act and I don't know why they forgave me enough to take me with them when they all escaped... *but still*. Not as bad as that.
And yes, it's very much over. (And to be fair to Emet-Selch, he didn't know his whole Emperor Solus routine would fuck with my head so badly.)
I just meant-- Hm. That I know, more or less, my badness level (as Lilo would call it) and since it's unusually high for someone my size, if I know someone is not a good person, I assume they're roughly as much of a bad person as I am. And trust them not to do anything *I* would consider to be unacceptable.
Only Jack *did*. And I'm so *angry*, Carly. I could deal with him being self-centered and insensitive and shit, but not knowing that he harmed his *own daughter*. You're supposed to keep your people *safe*, for fuck's sake.
That said, please don't feel bad that you didn't realize that Jack was capable of that shit either. I really do feel like people in general use themselves as reference points for other people's capabilities. So if you've got lines you won't cross, you'll expect them not to cross them too. (And it's not like Jack's walking around marinating in his own guilt, so that wouldn't tip you off either.)
So whatever *you've* done (and I suppose I should admit to myself that it's unlikely that your hads were clean coming here either, hard as it is for me to believe it)... I think I can safely say that you're a bit better than Jack too.
Well. I can't say I get everything but...you didn't want to be doing it. And you regret doing it, and have remorse for doing it. So...that's something. That's more than something, I think. It's better than you think, honestly. The thing about bad and good is it's not really something you can measure in levels like that! It's not a scale, it's more like a great big pool of junk.
You should give yourself more credit. Even 'bad' people can still be 'good'. The way you act, even if you have done, or do bad things... ...You're 'good'.
Hauuhhhhhh man though, there goes a mark on my record as a reporter....
Hihh!! Trust me I didn't even think I could come close to where he is though!! Yikes!
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2020-11-23 06:50 am (UTC)Trust me I think it's better I delay it now.
Well, good to hear I haven't missed everything I guess...a peer meditation huh? I've never heard of that being a thing but I'm glad it's working out~
no subject
Date: 2020-11-23 06:58 am (UTC)And I'm glad too. Honestly, he reminds me of my grandfather a little. Same high standards and impeccable sense of drama—only Emet (I say with all fondness and respect) is a big old queen, the kind that Abuelito never could respect.
no subject
Date: 2020-11-23 07:05 am (UTC)No!
I don't even think people can get pregnant here!?
That's not it!! We're not even married yet!
[y e t....?]
Hahahaaaa...I had a certain feeling from him when I talked to him myself, but I talk to all kinds of people I guess...
no subject
Date: 2020-11-23 07:12 am (UTC)Sorry. I just thought. Well. That you were saying it wasn't the right time for the happy announcement because I'd told you Jack did something to *his* kid. And that *is* one of the traditional 'happy announcements.'
You were a better judge than me—but honestly, his persona did trigger my PTSD something awful back during those days. I had a lot of trouble thinking straight because of it.
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Date: 2020-11-23 07:16 am (UTC)Anyway, no it's because you just broke up with the guy! Or are, anyway. It's really not the kind of news I want a moody Jack to be ruining for me.
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Date: 2020-11-23 07:36 am (UTC)And my God, yes, he really would. What an *egotist*.
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Date: 2020-11-23 07:39 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-11-23 07:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-11-23 07:50 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-11-23 07:58 pm (UTC)(And also, because if worst comes to worst, I can claim 'going home' changed me enough that we need to break up. Hopefully it *won't* come to that, but. It might.)
no subject
Date: 2020-11-25 02:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-11-25 03:19 pm (UTC)But I'm fairly certain that if I officially break up with him because he treated his daughter unconscionably, even though that *is* a significant reason for why I'm breaking up with him, he'd react even worse, because I went behind his back to find that out, when I *knew* he wanted to keep the parts of his past involving his spouses and kid to *himself*.
And then, you know, he probably will want to know who told me. And he might even find the post from the boobies incident, which I have done my best to make sure he never sees.
So in order to protect my source, I need to figure out another reason to break up with him. Which can't be I want to see other people, because then he'll concentrate all his vindictive spite on whatever age appropriate male friend he'll assume I've been fucking behind his back.
That's why I need the week of brainstorming better reasons, to be honest. And why I might have to pay the 'oh no I went home' card if nothing else seems like it will work. That seems like the most likely way for him to be merely a giant bitch about things and not especially vindictive.
no subject
Date: 2020-11-26 01:42 pm (UTC)I mean at least he probably can't throw you under a bus work-wise...plus, I suppose it's actually pretty hard to do anything lasting in this place! My brain went right to a violent end, but you can't even raise a butterknife against someone here!
Yeesh...self-awareness without changing though...yikes.
no subject
Date: 2020-11-26 04:11 pm (UTC)It's difficult, but not impossible to hurt people in the long term, although you're right that there doesn't seem to be any way to make those injuries permanent. Back when Emet-Selch and I were feuding, there was an... incident in a stairwell, when he was blocking me from going down it, that ended in me shoving him and gravity taking its toll. He got healed of the worst of it at the pokecenter, but he still had to use crutches for some time. Ironically, if he'd broken his neck, that would have triggered our inability to die, poofed him to the pokecenter and healed him completely up--as well as left him completely sober if he'd been previously high or drunk.
(Which I *know*, because I've known someone it *happened to*... and yes, their utterly trashed state had a lot to do with the dumb idea that landed them in the pokecenter, immediately sobered up and very unhappy about it.)
It's also possible to beat someone 'to death' here--or to strangle them for that matter. Jack's told me the first happened to him once--well, that the beating triggered his trip to the pokecenter and the halving of his account, at any rate, which I assume *means* that they'd have beaten him to death if we *could* die.
And given that one of my greatest fears *is* being beaten to death...
(Which isn't to say that I think Jack would *necessarily* attempt murder against me if I broke up with him in the wrong way and left him especially vindictive. More likely he'd break some of my things. But *luckily* I've got everything that's completely irreplaceable smuggled over to my private room at the work lodgings via my briefcase over this last week and all my files from the recording room backed up. And all my pokemon are tucked up in the PC, safe and sound. Well, the framed newspaper article about Connie rescuing Fuzzles isn't moved over, because he'd notice if it was gone, but it's not the first thing of mine he'd destroy in a fit of pique anyway. My records, maybe, or my sound equipment.)
But yeah, at least the most long-lasting harm he *could* do *wouldn't* to my person at all, but to my things. At least we have the llama space god to thank for that.
no subject
Date: 2020-11-29 06:09 am (UTC)I'd definitely hope he doesn't go that far though!! YEESH! Good job keeping everything is carefully stashed away though, hate for it to end up...glitter bombed or something on top of being smashed...
He did that once by the way. Not to me I mean but, you know. Nothing lasts longer than glitter!
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Date: 2020-11-29 07:20 am (UTC)(And I really am sorry if I disturbed you by telling you all of that.)
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Date: 2020-11-29 12:26 pm (UTC)We'll just have to see though I guess...
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Date: 2020-11-29 03:03 pm (UTC)I suppose part of what has me stressed out is that I *am* honestly attracted to one of my friends outside the company, it seems to be mutual, and what if Jack blames him? (Except I'm not sure if Jack knows he exists because I never did get around to introducing them before things got complicated. I guess I thought they'd eventually meet at my wedding.)
no subject
Date: 2020-12-01 12:55 pm (UTC)I'm going to be honest, Jack kinda has a reputation among anyone who's been here for like.
More than a year.
no subject
Date: 2020-12-01 02:27 pm (UTC)Of course he has a reputation with the long-termers. Of course.
I feel so stupid.
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Date: 2020-12-03 01:33 pm (UTC)Hey don't feel stupid!! I mean. Honestly I knew he could be a bit off-kilter but not the full extent of things.
Technically I still don't, but I can guess to be fair. And, well.... ...you said yourself once that we've all probably done stuff...so...
[To be fair in the same breath he'd also insisted that Carly obviously wasn't in that bracket, but, well, too bad, Carly put herself in the bracket.]
no subject
Date: 2020-12-03 02:59 pm (UTC)So I guess you *do* know the barest bones of it now, even if I'd still rather not give you the full gory details.
I just, fuck, I really don't know, Carly. I *knew* he wasn't a good or moral man, ever since Pewter. I did think of him as a *great* man, in the sense of Great Mean in (Future) History, but that's *different*. I just-- I don't know why it shocks and hurts me so much when I *knew* he was no more of a good person than I am.
I guess I'm so used to thinking badly of myself that unless that person stomps over my PTSD like Emet did when he first came here, I have trouble believing that someone else could be *worse*.
no subject
Date: 2020-12-05 01:08 pm (UTC)Geeze my list might have more people on it but at least it wasn't anything as personal as that...
I mean, at least you can know that you're...a bit better than that? A lot better maybe?? Whatever things you might have done, I get a feeling it's not 'deliberately hooking your relatives on drugs'-level! So it's okay to be a bit shocked I think. I mean, I'm shocked!! And I was the first rocket here alone with the guy! I had a lot of time to get a read suffice to say.
...I feel like I missed something again on that bottom note, but we won't go there for now, I'm assuming it's over by this point.
no subject
Date: 2020-12-05 04:08 pm (UTC)That's the horrible part, Carly. I know him enough that I can probably guess the bullshit excuses he gave himself to justify it.
And no, the worst thing I ever did... wasn't that. I mean, it *was* harming the people who were in my care and were my responsibility and doing it in a way that benefited myself... but it wasn't *my idea* to do it--I was under orders from our Keeper, ones that I couldn't disobey--and there weren't long term health consequences for them! I mean, it was still an awful, heinous act and I don't know why they forgave me enough to take me with them when they all escaped... *but still*. Not as bad as that.
And yes, it's very much over. (And to be fair to Emet-Selch, he didn't know his whole Emperor Solus routine would fuck with my head so badly.)
I just meant-- Hm. That I know, more or less, my badness level (as Lilo would call it) and since it's unusually high for someone my size, if I know someone is not a good person, I assume they're roughly as much of a bad person as I am. And trust them not to do anything *I* would consider to be unacceptable.
Only Jack *did*. And I'm so *angry*, Carly. I could deal with him being self-centered and insensitive and shit, but not knowing that he harmed his *own daughter*. You're supposed to keep your people *safe*, for fuck's sake.
That said, please don't feel bad that you didn't realize that Jack was capable of that shit either. I really do feel like people in general use themselves as reference points for other people's capabilities. So if you've got lines you won't cross, you'll expect them not to cross them too. (And it's not like Jack's walking around marinating in his own guilt, so that wouldn't tip you off either.)
So whatever *you've* done (and I suppose I should admit to myself that it's unlikely that your hads were clean coming here either, hard as it is for me to believe it)... I think I can safely say that you're a bit better than Jack too.
no subject
Date: 2020-12-06 01:54 pm (UTC)Still, geeze.
Well. I can't say I get everything but...you didn't want to be doing it. And you regret doing it, and have remorse for doing it. So...that's something. That's more than something, I think. It's better than you think, honestly. The thing about bad and good is it's not really something you can measure in levels like that! It's not a scale, it's more like a great big pool of junk.
You should give yourself more credit. Even 'bad' people can still be 'good'. The way you act, even if you have done, or do bad things... ...You're 'good'.
Hauuhhhhhh man though, there goes a mark on my record as a reporter....
Hihh!! Trust me I didn't even think I could come close to where he is though!! Yikes!
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