... I mean, it's not as bad as the very *worst* thing you could guess. As far as terrible fairy tale parents go, he's Mother Gothel from Rapunzel, not the king from Donkeyskin. Or-- fuck, my mind's blanking on anyone who got their kid hooked on drugs where withdrawal would kill them.
So I guess you *do* know the barest bones of it now, even if I'd still rather not give you the full gory details.
I just, fuck, I really don't know, Carly. I *knew* he wasn't a good or moral man, ever since Pewter. I did think of him as a *great* man, in the sense of Great Mean in (Future) History, but that's *different*. I just-- I don't know why it shocks and hurts me so much when I *knew* he was no more of a good person than I am.
I guess I'm so used to thinking badly of myself that unless that person stomps over my PTSD like Emet did when he first came here, I have trouble believing that someone else could be *worse*.
I was nodding along until you got to the last bit he W H A T???
Geeze my list might have more people on it but at least it wasn't anything as personal as that...
I mean, at least you can know that you're...a bit better than that? A lot better maybe?? Whatever things you might have done, I get a feeling it's not 'deliberately hooking your relatives on drugs'-level! So it's okay to be a bit shocked I think. I mean, I'm shocked!! And I was the first rocket here alone with the guy! I had a lot of time to get a read suffice to say.
...I feel like I missed something again on that bottom note, but we won't go there for now, I'm assuming it's over by this point.
Evidently, back in their world, Jack's daughter has special powers that can be enhanced by something called 'eridium' which is either a performance-enhancing drug or a rare element. I'm not sure which. During her last few years of life, Jack kept giving it to her, until she was dependent on it to live. About the *best* interpretation there is that he wanted to bring out her full potential--*but you don't do that by hooking her on space steroids.*
That's the horrible part, Carly. I know him enough that I can probably guess the bullshit excuses he gave himself to justify it.
And no, the worst thing I ever did... wasn't that. I mean, it *was* harming the people who were in my care and were my responsibility and doing it in a way that benefited myself... but it wasn't *my idea* to do it--I was under orders from our Keeper, ones that I couldn't disobey--and there weren't long term health consequences for them! I mean, it was still an awful, heinous act and I don't know why they forgave me enough to take me with them when they all escaped... *but still*. Not as bad as that.
And yes, it's very much over. (And to be fair to Emet-Selch, he didn't know his whole Emperor Solus routine would fuck with my head so badly.)
I just meant-- Hm. That I know, more or less, my badness level (as Lilo would call it) and since it's unusually high for someone my size, if I know someone is not a good person, I assume they're roughly as much of a bad person as I am. And trust them not to do anything *I* would consider to be unacceptable.
Only Jack *did*. And I'm so *angry*, Carly. I could deal with him being self-centered and insensitive and shit, but not knowing that he harmed his *own daughter*. You're supposed to keep your people *safe*, for fuck's sake.
That said, please don't feel bad that you didn't realize that Jack was capable of that shit either. I really do feel like people in general use themselves as reference points for other people's capabilities. So if you've got lines you won't cross, you'll expect them not to cross them too. (And it's not like Jack's walking around marinating in his own guilt, so that wouldn't tip you off either.)
So whatever *you've* done (and I suppose I should admit to myself that it's unlikely that your hads were clean coming here either, hard as it is for me to believe it)... I think I can safely say that you're a bit better than Jack too.
Well. I can't say I get everything but...you didn't want to be doing it. And you regret doing it, and have remorse for doing it. So...that's something. That's more than something, I think. It's better than you think, honestly. The thing about bad and good is it's not really something you can measure in levels like that! It's not a scale, it's more like a great big pool of junk.
You should give yourself more credit. Even 'bad' people can still be 'good'. The way you act, even if you have done, or do bad things... ...You're 'good'.
Hauuhhhhhh man though, there goes a mark on my record as a reporter....
Hihh!! Trust me I didn't even think I could come close to where he is though!! Yikes!
And a mark on mine too. We were both taken in, despite ostensibly being journalists. He's *very good* at his reasonable person game. It's admirable, in a sick way.
And... I do appreciate you thinking well of me, Carly, and I can see the logic you're working with, but I don't... feel entirely comfortable being described as 'good.' Honestly, there's something in me that viscerally recoils from it (which is entirely stupid, because call me 'perfect' and I'll eat it up with a spoon.) It's easier for me to think of myself as a bad man who occasionally does good things.
I really am glad I met you, Carly. No matter what you did before we were coworkers and no matter what we do as coworkers... you do good things, you know? Just in how you treat the rest of us and support us and everything. I don't think I tell you that enough.
I've got one more person, at least, to contact about all this, so I should probably let you go. But thanks. I really do appreciate you listening tonight.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2020-12-03 01:33 pm (UTC)Hey don't feel stupid!! I mean. Honestly I knew he could be a bit off-kilter but not the full extent of things.
Technically I still don't, but I can guess to be fair. And, well.... ...you said yourself once that we've all probably done stuff...so...
[To be fair in the same breath he'd also insisted that Carly obviously wasn't in that bracket, but, well, too bad, Carly put herself in the bracket.]
no subject
Date: 2020-12-03 02:59 pm (UTC)So I guess you *do* know the barest bones of it now, even if I'd still rather not give you the full gory details.
I just, fuck, I really don't know, Carly. I *knew* he wasn't a good or moral man, ever since Pewter. I did think of him as a *great* man, in the sense of Great Mean in (Future) History, but that's *different*. I just-- I don't know why it shocks and hurts me so much when I *knew* he was no more of a good person than I am.
I guess I'm so used to thinking badly of myself that unless that person stomps over my PTSD like Emet did when he first came here, I have trouble believing that someone else could be *worse*.
no subject
Date: 2020-12-05 01:08 pm (UTC)Geeze my list might have more people on it but at least it wasn't anything as personal as that...
I mean, at least you can know that you're...a bit better than that? A lot better maybe?? Whatever things you might have done, I get a feeling it's not 'deliberately hooking your relatives on drugs'-level! So it's okay to be a bit shocked I think. I mean, I'm shocked!! And I was the first rocket here alone with the guy! I had a lot of time to get a read suffice to say.
...I feel like I missed something again on that bottom note, but we won't go there for now, I'm assuming it's over by this point.
no subject
Date: 2020-12-05 04:08 pm (UTC)That's the horrible part, Carly. I know him enough that I can probably guess the bullshit excuses he gave himself to justify it.
And no, the worst thing I ever did... wasn't that. I mean, it *was* harming the people who were in my care and were my responsibility and doing it in a way that benefited myself... but it wasn't *my idea* to do it--I was under orders from our Keeper, ones that I couldn't disobey--and there weren't long term health consequences for them! I mean, it was still an awful, heinous act and I don't know why they forgave me enough to take me with them when they all escaped... *but still*. Not as bad as that.
And yes, it's very much over. (And to be fair to Emet-Selch, he didn't know his whole Emperor Solus routine would fuck with my head so badly.)
I just meant-- Hm. That I know, more or less, my badness level (as Lilo would call it) and since it's unusually high for someone my size, if I know someone is not a good person, I assume they're roughly as much of a bad person as I am. And trust them not to do anything *I* would consider to be unacceptable.
Only Jack *did*. And I'm so *angry*, Carly. I could deal with him being self-centered and insensitive and shit, but not knowing that he harmed his *own daughter*. You're supposed to keep your people *safe*, for fuck's sake.
That said, please don't feel bad that you didn't realize that Jack was capable of that shit either. I really do feel like people in general use themselves as reference points for other people's capabilities. So if you've got lines you won't cross, you'll expect them not to cross them too. (And it's not like Jack's walking around marinating in his own guilt, so that wouldn't tip you off either.)
So whatever *you've* done (and I suppose I should admit to myself that it's unlikely that your hads were clean coming here either, hard as it is for me to believe it)... I think I can safely say that you're a bit better than Jack too.
no subject
Date: 2020-12-06 01:54 pm (UTC)Still, geeze.
Well. I can't say I get everything but...you didn't want to be doing it. And you regret doing it, and have remorse for doing it. So...that's something. That's more than something, I think. It's better than you think, honestly. The thing about bad and good is it's not really something you can measure in levels like that! It's not a scale, it's more like a great big pool of junk.
You should give yourself more credit. Even 'bad' people can still be 'good'. The way you act, even if you have done, or do bad things... ...You're 'good'.
Hauuhhhhhh man though, there goes a mark on my record as a reporter....
Hihh!! Trust me I didn't even think I could come close to where he is though!! Yikes!
no subject
Date: 2020-12-07 02:06 am (UTC)And... I do appreciate you thinking well of me, Carly, and I can see the logic you're working with, but I don't... feel entirely comfortable being described as 'good.' Honestly, there's something in me that viscerally recoils from it (which is entirely stupid, because call me 'perfect' and I'll eat it up with a spoon.) It's easier for me to think of myself as a bad man who occasionally does good things.
no subject
Date: 2020-12-07 05:45 am (UTC)It's a lot of occasions, though.
no subject
Date: 2020-12-07 06:31 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-12-08 04:00 pm (UTC)Don't worry, I won't from here on out, okay?
no subject
Date: 2020-12-08 04:53 pm (UTC)(I'm sorry I'm like this. Do you... have any similar requests? For things I ought to verbally side-step, I mean.)
no subject
Date: 2020-12-09 02:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-12-09 06:17 pm (UTC)[He's quiet for a moment, before typing,]
I really am glad I met you, Carly. No matter what you did before we were coworkers and no matter what we do as coworkers... you do good things, you know? Just in how you treat the rest of us and support us and everything. I don't think I tell you that enough.
no subject
Date: 2020-12-10 03:43 pm (UTC)And honestly I'm glad to have met you too.
near to cutting?
Date: 2020-12-11 12:42 am (UTC)[He's smiling.]
I've got one more person, at least, to contact about all this, so I should probably let you go. But thanks. I really do appreciate you listening tonight.
Sounds good to me!
Date: 2020-12-12 04:20 pm (UTC)Good luck with everyone else though alright?
cut!
Date: 2020-12-12 04:45 pm (UTC)