That's actually a really good idea in general, though. I wouldn't ask Charley to compare herself to neurotypical people, so why do I ask it of myself?
I guess in terms of the note I got, I'll try not to do it back at people unless I understand what they've done too. Because it really is different when it's a matter of knowing and thinking they still have something worthwhile about them versus just seeing outward shows of seeming goodness. Which isn't something I might have been able to articulate until a few days ago, but Thace and I ended up talking after I got that card because I wasn't sure if it *wasn't* from him—because he was a soldier in an imperialistic fleet and you can imagine the sort of things he has to live with having done—and he was the one who explained to me *why* he doesn't mind hearing it from me, because I know about the things he'd done under orders. And he knows everything I've done too.
I think for those of us where the worst things we did were at the orders of someone or something else, it's hard in a different way than if we'd done them on our own. If we'd done them on our own, we'd have self justification to fall back on, but instead we have to live with knowing that we did things that we knew were wrong even as we did them and the guilt that we didn't martyr ourselves in refusal. It makes us complicit. And knowing you're complicit with something you hate can be the worst of all.
And now I'm getting off track, but I really do appreciate the advice and help.
...You might want to watch what you share around too though, honestly. And I know I'm definitely one to talk, but just as an example, I haven't even met this Thace guy, and now I know a whole lot of dark stuff about him. Maybe not too many details, but there isn't a whole lot to extrapolate from 'soldier in an imperialistic fleet', like you said.
I'm really glad I was able to help though, even if uh, I didn't have an answer for the 'who' for that note. And it's true what you said- sometimes it's the guilt that's worst of all.
Fuck. You're right. I swear, if you tell me not to talk about a thing, I won't, but I don't always remember to on my own, because... honestly, I don't know why. It's something I need to work on. Badly, it seems.
(He's a good man, though, despite his past—I think you would like him if you do meet eventually. And... I don't think he was ever really given much of a choice not to join up, from what I know of his people.)
I should let you go, I guess. (But next time you're in Goldenrod and I'm home, stop by Fight Club before it opens and we'll give you lunch or something.)
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2021-03-01 07:46 pm (UTC)I guess in terms of the note I got, I'll try not to do it back at people unless I understand what they've done too. Because it really is different when it's a matter of knowing and thinking they still have something worthwhile about them versus just seeing outward shows of seeming goodness. Which isn't something I might have been able to articulate until a few days ago, but Thace and I ended up talking after I got that card because I wasn't sure if it *wasn't* from him—because he was a soldier in an imperialistic fleet and you can imagine the sort of things he has to live with having done—and he was the one who explained to me *why* he doesn't mind hearing it from me, because I know about the things he'd done under orders. And he knows everything I've done too.
I think for those of us where the worst things we did were at the orders of someone or something else, it's hard in a different way than if we'd done them on our own. If we'd done them on our own, we'd have self justification to fall back on, but instead we have to live with knowing that we did things that we knew were wrong even as we did them and the guilt that we didn't martyr ourselves in refusal. It makes us complicit. And knowing you're complicit with something you hate can be the worst of all.
And now I'm getting off track, but I really do appreciate the advice and help.
no subject
Date: 2021-03-05 02:55 pm (UTC)...You might want to watch what you share around too though, honestly. And I know I'm definitely one to talk, but just as an example, I haven't even met this Thace guy, and now I know a whole lot of dark stuff about him. Maybe not too many details, but there isn't a whole lot to extrapolate from 'soldier in an imperialistic fleet', like you said.
I'm really glad I was able to help though, even if uh, I didn't have an answer for the 'who' for that note. And it's true what you said- sometimes it's the guilt that's worst of all.
[Maybe one day though...]
no subject
Date: 2021-03-05 09:39 pm (UTC)(He's a good man, though, despite his past—I think you would like him if you do meet eventually. And... I don't think he was ever really given much of a choice not to join up, from what I know of his people.)
But yes. You did help me. A lot. Thank you.
no subject
Date: 2021-03-06 12:19 pm (UTC)And hopefully I get to meet him myself one day. Until then, I'm glad I helped, alright?
no subject
Date: 2021-03-07 02:15 am (UTC)I should let you go, I guess. (But next time you're in Goldenrod and I'm home, stop by Fight Club before it opens and we'll give you lunch or something.)
no subject
Date: 2021-03-07 02:15 pm (UTC)