That's actually a really good idea in general, though. I wouldn't ask Charley to compare herself to neurotypical people, so why do I ask it of myself?
I guess in terms of the note I got, I'll try not to do it back at people unless I understand what they've done too. Because it really is different when it's a matter of knowing and thinking they still have something worthwhile about them versus just seeing outward shows of seeming goodness. Which isn't something I might have been able to articulate until a few days ago, but Thace and I ended up talking after I got that card because I wasn't sure if it *wasn't* from him—because he was a soldier in an imperialistic fleet and you can imagine the sort of things he has to live with having done—and he was the one who explained to me *why* he doesn't mind hearing it from me, because I know about the things he'd done under orders. And he knows everything I've done too.
I think for those of us where the worst things we did were at the orders of someone or something else, it's hard in a different way than if we'd done them on our own. If we'd done them on our own, we'd have self justification to fall back on, but instead we have to live with knowing that we did things that we knew were wrong even as we did them and the guilt that we didn't martyr ourselves in refusal. It makes us complicit. And knowing you're complicit with something you hate can be the worst of all.
And now I'm getting off track, but I really do appreciate the advice and help.
no subject
I guess in terms of the note I got, I'll try not to do it back at people unless I understand what they've done too. Because it really is different when it's a matter of knowing and thinking they still have something worthwhile about them versus just seeing outward shows of seeming goodness. Which isn't something I might have been able to articulate until a few days ago, but Thace and I ended up talking after I got that card because I wasn't sure if it *wasn't* from him—because he was a soldier in an imperialistic fleet and you can imagine the sort of things he has to live with having done—and he was the one who explained to me *why* he doesn't mind hearing it from me, because I know about the things he'd done under orders. And he knows everything I've done too.
I think for those of us where the worst things we did were at the orders of someone or something else, it's hard in a different way than if we'd done them on our own. If we'd done them on our own, we'd have self justification to fall back on, but instead we have to live with knowing that we did things that we knew were wrong even as we did them and the guilt that we didn't martyr ourselves in refusal. It makes us complicit. And knowing you're complicit with something you hate can be the worst of all.
And now I'm getting off track, but I really do appreciate the advice and help.